NFC Divisional Playoff: Saints 45, Big Dead 14

PREGAME
A lot of the attention has been focused on the passing games of each of these two teams. I'd hate to bet on the Big Dead even remotely slowing Drew Brees down nearly as much as I'd hate to bet against Kurt Warner. While the TV spotlight won't likely stray pass the two QBs, be a smart fan and analyze some other important stories. Arizona pass rush is going to be a huge key today. That's their best chance to slow Brees down. Jermon Bushrod has been a weak link on the Saint o-line; can DC Bill Davis exploit him? Conversely, the Saints' running game may be their offensive key. If they can establish run/pass balance, Arizona's probably screwed because it will keep heat off of Brees.

Cards need to rush Brees to win; Saints need to run well to win. Warner won't be Arizona's most important offensive player today, either. Today's the day I'd unleash Beanie Wells. He can give them the power running game that the Saints have been completely unable to control their previous three games, all losses. Wells' top priority is to not turn the ball over. If he accomplishes that as Arizona's offensive centerpiece today, they're in this game no matter what.

FIRST QUARTER
Broadcast crew for Fox will by Kenny Albert with Moose and Goose. And though I have no idea what purpose Rebecca Grant serves, I'm hoping to see frequent updates on whatever the hell it is that she thinks she's updating.

Rebecca Grant: further proof that God is a dude.

Meanwhile, Arizona has won the toss and LaRod Stephens-Howling (LSH) returns the opening kickoff to the 30. The noise level in the formerly hot and stinking Superdome is impressive.

DID SOMEBODY SAY THE CARDINALS COULD BEAT THE SAINTS ON THE GROUND TODAY!?!?!?!?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

70 YARD TD BY TIM HIGHTOWER. (OK, so I picked the wrong guy.) The RG takes one LDT a mile out of the play, the LG gets out and EASILY sweeps aside the LB, and Arizona's off to the same start Baltimore got off to last week.

Holy cow! And Neil Rackers actually makes a kick, to boot!

Big Dead 7, Saints 0, 19 seconds into the game.

That Saint defense does not look like it came ready to play. Let's see if their offense did, starting from their 28. Darnell Dockett and Calais Campbell have come to play, stuffing Pierre Thomas on the Saints' opening play. Jeremy Shockey starts the trash-talking after catching a 4-yard pass in front of Antrell Rolle for a 1st. Brees then misses Shockey on a wide-open corner route. It was a free play because Chike Okeafor was offside. Aw hell no, Ron Winter is actually considered a playoff-caliber referee in this league? Reggie Bush sweeps right for 7 and a first down and is also quite demonstrative with the trash talking. The Saints better focus more on making plays and less on the witless bon mots they intend to make after plays. Clark Haggans breaks up a screen pass. 2nd-10 at the Az 46, Marques Colston's wide open underneath for a 17-yard catch-and-run. Bush sweeps left but then cuts back to the middle for 11. Brees pump-fakes and hits Shockey at the 5. Will anybody on the Saints cut out the damn trash talk? Pierre Thomas breaks a tackle and gets to the 1. The fans call for Deuce McAllister, recently re-acquired by the Saints. But it's Lynell? Hamilton???? with a fairly easy run for the TD. Saint o-line blew all kinds of holes in the Cardinal d-line there.

Big Dead 7, Saints 7.

Excellent, methodical drive by the trash-talking Saints there. Brees got them close with dinks and dunks and their running game polished it off. Bush looking like today's x-factor. Must-answer TD by the Saints as well.

How many RBs do the Saints have, btw? 106? Thomas? Mike Bell? Bush? McAlister? And Hamilton's the one scoring the TD?

LSH should have taken a knee, returning the deep kick only to the 18 instead.

And we have another 1-play drive for Arizona, but far worse for them this time. Kurt Warner hits Jhereme Urban over the middle for a 20-plus-yard reception, but Randall Gay tomahawks it out of his grasp from behind. Darren Sharper recovers at midfield and gives New Orleans the ball at the 37. Winters wastes our time with three personal foul calls after the play, all of which offset. This crew better get a grip on both teams. Every Saint player this side of Hokie Gajan is talking trash down there and they got away with starting the chaos after the fumble play with unnecessary shoving. The Saints may win today, but they're not getting there in admirable fashion.

The refs now appear to rip New Orleans out of a timeout with a quick start of the play clock. Drew Brees and Saint Nation aren't too happy.

Arizona in huge need of a stop here. They haven't come close to one thus far. All kinds of room for Thomas off LT for 8 yards. Haggans stops him up the middle for no gain, with the requisite trash talk. Cards still have NO IDEA on the short underneath passes, as Brees hits Colston for 12 on 3rd-and-1. From the 17, Brees gets at least 5 seconds to throw with no Arizona defender within 5 yards of him and hits Shockey at the goal line for a TD. Cards rushed only four and never got close, while Shockey beat Adrian Wilson.

Saints 14, Big Dead 7.

Arizona better figure something out on defense in a hurry; it looks like 7-on-7 training camp practice down there.

Saints are on a pace to score 112. Shockey got open and scored that TD despite limping around like Fred Sanford.

LSH out across the 30. And oh, boy, my projected game MVP Beanie Wells and Warner blow the exchange, nearly for another turnover. Warner then throws 10 feet over Larry Fitzgerald's head while getting hit by Scott Fujita, who Levi Brown barely even tried to block. Timeout Arizona now, 3rd-and-13. After BLOWING a chance to quick-snap and catch the NT offside - he was offside for a good three seconds - Arizona settles for a short underneath pass to Early Doucet and a punt. Ben Graham remembers how to punt after last week, and they smartly kick away from Bush.

But if they don't stop New Orleans here, this game is over.

Saints at their 23. Thomas up the middle for another 9, and I tell you, Bushrod is OWNING LT today. After a first down, Devery Henderson bounces off of Hamza Abdullah's pathetic tackle attempt for 16. And it appears Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (DRC) is injured.

Am I a bad American because I have always hated the Dan Jansen story? I get it, his sister died. THAT was why he kept falling down like an idiot his first time in the Olympics? Really? 'Cause I have lost loved ones and haven't forgotten how to walk or anything like that. I always thought he was just a choker or possibly an idiot. How do you forget how to skate when you're, well, a damn skater? What quality can a skater actually be when he can't even stay upright on his own for an entire race? It's because of Dan Jansen that Olympic coverage has been all about touchy-feely crap for 15-20 years now instead of being about sports, and a large chunk of sports coverage has followed suit. 20 years ago I wouldn't have known who the world's best golfer's wife was, or whether she was being cheated on with 1-14 other women, either. Nobody would have cared.

Thanks, Dan Jansen.

And with that, game OVER, as Bush spins out of Bryant (STILL SUCKS) McFadden's tackle at the AZ43, dodges Calais Campbell, and picks up nice blocks from WRs and linemen downfield alike for a 47-yard TD. Arizona looks completely unprepared for Bush today and show little inclination of stopping the Saints at all.

Sure, the week I finally freaking pick them to win a postseason game, they go into the god damn tank.

Saints 21, Big Dead 7.

And now we're looking at the real possibility that right now, Kurt Warner is in the final game of his career.

LSH out to the 27. DRC is going off on a cart. Am I wrong to see this as an opportunity for the Rams next season? That's a big loss for their secondary and defense. Warner gets plenty of time but is sacked by Jonathan Vilma on a delayed blitz as we get our first, and possibly last ever, Brenda sighting. Can't hold the ball so long enough a delayed rush gets to you, Kurt. A run and a dumpoff just get back the yardage they lost on the sack. Time to punt and give up another Saints TD.

Saints get to the 34 and will face third-and-long to start the 2nd quarter.

End of 1st quarter: Saints 21, Big Dead 7.
SECOND QUARTER

Cardinals actually get a three-and-out! They blitz Brees on 3rd-and-7 and Greg Toler breaks up a pass over the middle for Lance Moore. Long punt goes into the end zone.

Warner hits Breaston at the 39. He unfortunately follows that by chucking a blind pass deep under pressure that Darren Sharper picks off. Oh, here's that roughing-the-passer penalty the refs didn't call AGAINST Arizona last week. Warner got tapped on the head. Cards to the Saints 44 as a result. Former Ram Scott Shanle got the penalty. Another former Ram, Anthony Becht, gets an 8-yard catch that Warner lets go of while getting DRILLED. They replay the roughing penalty, which was no worse than what happened to Aaron Rodgers last week's final play. I am FASCINATED that Goose and Moose are arguing back and forth about this call, with assumed tough-lineman-guy Goose DEFENDING the call, without bringing last week's game-winning play up. Quick dumpoff to Hightower up the seam gets to the Saints 25. I'm assuming they need about 24 more yards to get in Rackers' FG range. Maybe 23. Fitzgerald just barely fails to come up with a TD pass in double-coverage, leaving 3rd-and-2 at the 19. Warner gets all day and dumps off to Doucet on the drag, down to the 4. Wells stutter-steps and is in easily off RT for a 4-yard TD. No trash talk, I note, either.

Saints 21, Big Dead 14.

I just got a text from Kurt Warner telling me to quit declaring Arizona playoff games over before halftime.

Courtney Roby's kickoff return is only to the 17. After a good Bell run, they try to go deep and take advantage of DRC's absence, with Robert Meacham probably failing to catch up with Brees' bomb because he loses his shoe. On 3rd-and-5, Arizona lets Bush run for the first down anyway. Inexcusable. Brees goes deep off play-action over the middle to Colston for 36 to the Arizona 44. I think that was actually 26 yards. Play-action screwed up the Cardinal safeties there, and Sean Payton does it again with a brilliant call for the conditions: a flea-flicker, with Devery Henderson burning the awful McFadden for a 44-yard TD. Saints back in command.

Saints 28, Big Dead 14.

Hard as it may be to believe there are defensive backs out there who could not start for the Rams, Bryant McFadden is one of them.

I love 24 but I'm not exactly thrilled they're making Jack Bauer a grandpa this season. For one, Kim Bauer breeding isn't a good thing for even a fictional universe. And it's going to take the thrill out of car chases when Jack drives 5 mph below the limit in the fast lane with his left blinker on. And Chloe can hardly download satellite intel to a Jitterbug. (Though I wouldn't put it past her.)

LSH to the 28, tackled by Anthony Freaking Hargrove, who can somehow manage NOT to find ways to get himself in trouble in NEW ORLEANS after getting traded after a casino all-nighter in the rollicking sin city of St. Louis. Really?

Oh shit. Two plays into the drive, Warner doesn't get a middle pass over Will Smith's fingertips, and the Saint DE gets jiggy with the INT back inside the AZ 30. And Kurt got clobbered during the interception return with what can only be called a brutal cheap shot by Bobby McCray, the kind of blind shot that's supposed to be a penalty. Especially when done to a QB. What do you say, Ron Winters? No flag.

And obviously, the Cardinals aren't getting back into this thing with frat boy Matt Leinart at the wheel.

Thank God Kurt's back up and apparently in one piece. From the look on Brenda's face, this is Kurt's last season if he likes it or not. And let me say at this point that Moose and Goose are COMPLETELY USELESS today. That was a DIRTY hit on Warner. He's hit from the blind side. Defenders ALWAYS head-hunt for the QB on INT returns. McCray sized him up and drilled him from his blind side. THERE WAS NOTHING CLEAN ABOUT IT.

Impressive diving catch by Bush at the 15 as I typed that last rant. Again the Cards can't get the Saints off the field on 3rd down. End-around to Meachem gets down to the 5 as Payton continues to exploit Arizona's aggressiveness and makeshift secondary.

Then Goose rants about Darnell Dockett hitting Jeremy Shockey square in the back with that last play dying down. Inexcusable. No reason for it. He made it sound far more brutal than the hit New Orleans got away with a little bit ago.

DOCKETT DIDN'T HIT SHOCKEY ONE-TENTH AS HARD AS MCCRAY HIT WARNER!

Both plays were penalties. Tony Siragusa and Darrell Johnston are such god damned idiots today I may watch the second half with the sound off.

Warner's headed to the locker room as the 2:00 warning comes. The Saints false start and lose a Bell TD to a holding penalty along the way.

Cards bring a big blitz and Brees audibles to a back shoulder throw to Colston at the 2. McFadden beaten yet again. Brees hits Colston in the end zone on a quick turnaround for another TD. McFadden beaten YET AGAIN.

Saints 35, Big Dead 14.

Congratulations to Bryant McFadden, 2009-10 NFL Postseason Least Valuable Player.

Leinart at QB with 1:10 left. I suspect we'll see three handoffs and go to the half. NO, Leinart to Doucet over the middle for 6. Doucet has his helmet BLASTED OFF by Shanle with a clean hit. Leinart hits Doucet again for 5 and a 1st down. Timeout #2 with 0:32 remaining. Larry Fitzgerald gets off the milk carton with his FIRST catch today, at the AZ 48. About 14 more to Larry, who sprints out of bounds at the 39. Unfortunately they're still 37 yards out of Rackers' range with 8 seconds left. Leinart hits Urban down to the 33 with 2 seconds left. Pfft, here comes Rackers. This ball may hurt somebody in the stands. Payton IDIOTICALLY calls the stupid-ass freeze timeout the NFL should have made illegal two years ago, as Rackers' kick sails just wide to the right. Justice is not served to Payton as Rackers is on line but short from 51.

Halftime score: Saints 35, Big Dead 14.

Hard to see a lot of hope for Arizona in the 2nd half, though Leinart didn't piss himself the last minute of the 1st half. Can't believe he's going to throw them back into the game, which is what they're going to need. The Big Dead D better grow a set of stones and start stopping the Saint ground game. Also not seeming too likely. And their secondary is so bad without DRC that they might as well blitz the house every play and cross their fingers. Not sure they have a whole lot of choices available to them.

Looks like the NFC Championship's heading through the Crescent City. And I'm right back to my losing postseason ways, 2-3 now.

THIRD QUARTER
Rackers brilliantly begins the second half with a short kickoff out of bounds. Numb nut.

Impressive catch by Henderson in a crowd for 15. After Wilson disrupts a 3rd-and-3 screen pass for Bush, the Saints GO FOR IT on 4th down just across midfield. Nah, it was the old try-to-get-them-to-jump ruse. Looks like New Orleans is punting. The Saints down it at the 12.

AND WARNER IS BACK. Doucet fights across the 20 with a short pass. Sorry I forgot to mention until now that Anquan Boldin was out again today. Arizona then nonsensically tries to run Hightower twice, and Warner throws an incomplete pass on 3rd down while being hit. Will Smith actually keeps Warner from going to the turf. The Cardinals punt when indeed it may not be too early to start going for it.

We had the most telling Brenda-Cam shot of all time earlier. She can't watch the game with Kurt in there. She's keeping her eyes closed.

This isn't Madden Football.

Bush explodes off left tackle to midfield for 14 as the Saint o-line continues to dominate. Sean Payton is classlessly going to no-huddle while up 3 TDs. Brees hits Colston at the 40 and Calais Campbell's blow to Drew's knee gets N.O. 15 more. The Saints go for the end zone twice from the 25 but miss and settle for a Garrett Hartley FG from 43.

Saints 38, Big Dead 14.

Wow, we went from greatest luxury booth of all time (Dubya and Emmitt) to luxury box filled with two of the people I dislike the most: Saints owner Tom Benson, he of the dancing parasol and the wife about half his age; and the commissioner who tried to keep the NFL out of St. Louis, Paul TagliaBOO. That's a luxury booth I would like to leave a flaming bag of crap outside its door. No, not necessarily just dog crap.

Cards get one first down, but then Sharper breaks up a pass for Fitzgerald and the 3rd-down pass to him only gets 4. 7:00 left in the 3rd, and Arizona's punting again.

And giving up an 83-yard punt return to Bush, who just won today's MVP. To the delight of various Khardashians in the luxury level. Yeah, I might try to break into that suite.

Saints 45, Big Dead 14.

Bush took the punt on the far sideline, ran back to the middle of the field and cut upfield off a good block and long snapper Mike Leach falling down trying to change directions. That left the middle of the field wide open, and unlike Danny Amendola, Bush has little trouble eluding punters.

WARNER STILL IN as Arizona starts again at their 20. He hits Fitzgerald at the 40 with the Saints just rushing 3. That combo beats a blitz a couple of plays later to the Saint 35. Slow Saint stunt gives Kurt plenty of time to hit Steve Breaston inside the 20. Hightower drops a pitch right on 3rd-and-3. WHY ARE THEY RUNNING? 4th-and-3 at the 10. A blitz flushes Warner outside and he throws high for Breaston at the 5. Saints ball.

I'm starting to wonder if this game is going to end in time for the AFC game. The Saints do appear to be trying to pound out the clock now with Thomas. They're out to the 30 as the 3rd quarter runs out.

End of third quarter: Saints 45, Big Dead 14.
FOURTH QUARTER
Payton has little excuse to keep Brees in the game at this point, but he's still in. Screen to Bush gets them their third straight 1st down, across the 40. Thomas bulls across the 50 with another first down.

Hey, I want a banner in the Dome for all of our season sellouts as Rams fans.

Hamilton prances down inside the 35 as I believe I see Arizona defenders on their cell phones making tee times. On a 3rd-and-7 reception, Thomas gets stopped by Dansby a yard short at the 25, with DANSBY IDIOTICALLY TRASH TALKING HIM WELL AFTER THE PLAY IN A GAME HE IS LOSING BY MORE THAN FOUR TDs.

Mike Martz briefly invades the Saints' booth and calls an END AROUND TO THE TE Dave Thomas on 4th and 1. Wilson does a nice job to stop the play short. Arizona ball.

Leinart has replaced Warner. Looks like we could have seen Kurt Warner play his last game in the NFL, then, and God bless him for what he's done.

This is probably going to be preseason-quality the rest of the way. Leinart's lucky to avoid an INT after throwing directly to Roman Harper on 3rd down. Arizona punts.

The game's in FU-mode; I'm skipping to the finish. Even though Payton STILL HAS BREES IN A GAME HE'S WINNING BY 31 with 7:30 left.

The Saints move on to the formerly hot-and-stinking Superdome's first NFC Championship game.

MVP: If I were better at observing offensive line play, I might try to give today's game ball to someone like Jahri Evans. The Saints completely dominated the line of scrimmage today when they had the ball. The Cardinals barely pressured Brees at all, and the Saints ran all over them, too. Reggie Bush set the early tone for this game with some good rushes, broke the game open with his 47-yard rushing TD and put it away with his 83-yard punt return TD. That's Khardashian-worthy, and game-ball-worthy.

Looking ahead: Bill Bidwill's going down next year. If Warner retires, you could successfully argue the Cardinals need a QB. Leinart's not taking them anywhere. That secondary is a mess, too. McFadden was the NFL's worst player this postseason. And they're really in a bad way if DRC's injury is as serious as it looked, to have to cart him off. However, if they draft a good CB and can transition successfully into a running team, they've got a shot at repeating in the NFC West. This is the Big Dead, though. Without Warner, look for them to return to their old ways.

I think either of tomorrow's NFC competitors can still roll out of New Orleans with a win next week, but I get a day to think that through.

Ravens-Colts in just a bit.