AFC Wild Card Playoff: Ravens 33, Patriots 14

PREGAME
Yesterday's themes were defenses winning by taking away the opponent's top receiver, successful blitzing and offenses controlling the game on the ground. All that sure points at Baltimore winning this game, doesn't it? Injury has already taken out Wes Welker. The Raven running game sure looks powerful with Ray Rice and Willis McGahee. Is the Patriots' perfect season at home going to be enough?

FIRST QUARTER
Jim Nantz and Phil Simms on the call for CBS. Hey, wasn't Nantz caught in an adulterous relationship not that long ago? And CBS is happy to have him around as an NFL and PGA announcer, and Sony is happy to have him shooting down footballs with a bow and arrow in a new commercial, while sponsors are dropping Tiger Woods left and right for the same thing? (Granted, 14X as much)

RUH-ROH, NEW ENGLAND. Ray Rice explodes through a hole between center and left guard, cuts away from Brandon Merriweather and is GONE! for an 83-yard TD ON THE FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME.

Everybody go back and read my preview at the top again. Even though I picked the Patriots.

Ravens 7, Patriots 0.

Boy, right guard Marshall Yanda knocked Vince Wilfork off course about 10 feet on that TD run. Tom Brady throws a second-down quick screen to Julian Edelman that loses 3. That's a Welker route, you see. On 3rd-and-11, Terrell Suggs beats Matt Light clean and gets Brady for the sack, strip and fumble recovery. Ravens ball again! RUH-ROH, NEW ENGLAND!

Intent on dominating this game, Rice runs through 2 tackles on 3rd-and-4 to get Baltimore down to the 5-yard line. He bounces the next run outside and down to the 1. The Ravens are about to go up by two TDs. A handoff to LeRon McClain from fullback does the trick the first time. Wow.

Ravens 14, Patriots 0.

WOW.

It's not even 12:15 yet and Bill Simmons needs a change of underwear. C'mon Pats, fumble the kickoff. I know you can do it. THEY ALMOST DO! The kickoff is popped up high, the deep man loses it in the sun, and New England is damn lucky Jackie Slater's son Matt has the wherewithal to cover the kick up.

Wow, what kind of wild party did they have in New England last night? On the readiness-for-prime-time scale, the Patriots' rating right now is Admiral Stockdale. Now here's Ray Lewis dropping Brady for a huge sack! New England is on their way to laying one of the biggest eggs in playoff history. Light gets beaten by Suggs again as a cigar-store-Indian Brady tries to force a middle pass for Sam Aiken that Ed Reed nearly picks off.

Chris Carr returns the punt 35 yards to the New England 40 to a chorus of boos at Gillette Stadium. I know what I said about Cincinnati's fans yesterday. But the Patriots have come out inexcusably flat. That's worthy of all the abuse a fan base wants to heap on a team, three Lombardis or no.

So will Baltimore's TD drive take one play or two? Tully Banta-Cain stuffs Rice on first down, so I guess two. Nevermind, Joe Flacco's play-action pass is awful and nearly picked off by Shawn Springs. Rice drops the third-down pass - both hands on the ball, young man - and New England gets a crucial three-and-out.

Huh. So Stan Kroenke can't be majority owner of the Rams because he owns teams in other sports in another city, but it's OK for today's referee Gene Steratore to moonlight as a Big East basketball referee. That is cool for Steratore, but still, huh.

Pats start the next drive with a 6-yard completion to Kevin Faulk, but look at the push Baltimore's D-line is putting on them with just a 3-man rush. Their o-line is completely outclassed today. Faulk just ran for their first 1st down, but unless their D can generate a Flacco meltdown, this game is over, even with 52 minutes still to play. Brady nearly gets sacked again, and THEN THROWS AN INTERCEPTION. It's an attempted screen pass, Jarrett Johnson puts huge pressure on Brady, and he throws it right to Chris Carr. Was anybody expecting any what-the-hell-are-you-doing plays from Tom Freaking Brady today? Because that was one.

Willis McGahee jukes the crap out of Merriweather for 9 on 2nd-and-10 and plunges for the first down the next play at the Patriot 15. There aren't enough goat horns in the world to give to the Patriots today. The Pats blitz a screen pass, but Flacco, UNLIKE BRADY, makes a composed play and hits McGahee in the flat down to the 2. Holy freaking cats. And dogs. Living together! Ray Rice pounds in on two tries and the rout is on. Unbelievable!

Ravens 21, Patriots 0.

There's still five minutes left in the first quarter! Baltimore is on a pace to score 126 points! Two plays after the kickoff, ANOTHER INTERCEPTION! Domonique Foxworth breaks up a pass to Aiken that Brady never should have thrown, Ed Reed collects the ricochet, laterals to Dawan Landry, and BALTIMORE IS INSIDE THE NEW ENGLAND 10 AGAIN!!! Holy freaking cow. Jumping over the moon.

Banta-Cain, about the only Patriot playing today, blows a tackle on 2nd down for a big loss but McGahee still winds up losing a couple on the play after a long scramble. Flacco's third-and-goal pass is terrible, so the FG unit gets in on the festivities.

Ravens 24, Patriots 0.

Baltimore creams Butler the Patriot kick returner inside the 20. This game is just one of the great motivational mismatches of all time. DROPPED pass by Ben Watson. I'd still like to see the Rams go after him in the offseason. Faulk gets New England a much-needed big play, taking a quick slant for 18. Brady's getting good protection so far this drive but nearly gets picked off AGAIN by FRANK WALKER, as bad a DB as there is in this league. Then for the second straight day, it's the defense making the delay-of-game call before the referees notice it. 2nd-and-15 at the Patriot 33. Quick screen to Faulk LOSES FIVE with Carr all over it.

What an amazing first quarter for Baltimore and a quarter from hell for the sleepwalking Patriots.

End of first quarter: Ravens 24, Patriots 0.
SECOND QUARTER

Again, Pats fans should give the team all the booing they can muster. They paid 100 bucks or more to watch Brady play like this, and he's the one who still gets to go home and have sex with a supermodel.

Randy Who?, by the way. I haven't even seen Moss on camera yet today. Did he start? Is he playing?

A WE-GIVE-UP HANDOFF ON THIRD AND 20? Who's the coaching genius that thought that was going to work against Baltimore?

But now that the teams have switched ends, the Ravens lose the kick in the sun, it bounces off Tom Zbikowski, and the Patriots are given credit for fielding the loose ball in bounds WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T. Yet former special teams coach John Harbaugh on the Ravens sideline apparently doesn't even consider a challenge. Huh. A couple of Faulk runs get the Patriots near the Raven 5. Fred Taylor gets them first-and-goal inside the five. But Ngata stuffs a run and Brady throws the ball a mile out of bounds when he could have run it in. Edelman saves the whole mess with a fairly impressive catch inside the goal line for New England's first score. Good job by Brady to stay on the move and keep that play alive.

Ravens 24, Patriots 7.

Can I ask why the sun is suddenly a factor this week when New England would seem to play a lot of games at noon? Yet everybody tracking a kick today on the one side of the field looks like Manny Ramirez trying to corral a tricky popup.

No problem for Baltimore on this kickoff return, though, and you can add a facemask penalty. Ravens continue to have nothing but outstanding field position today and start this drive at their 45 or so.

Bill Simmons is probably on his third underwear change by now, or should I say need for one when he's probably decided to just sit in it the rest of the day.

Rice pounds three times for 10 yards, then Cam "Camtastic" Cameron idiotically decides to put the game in Flacco's hands. Flacco forces a bad pass for Todd Heap that Leigh Bodden breaks up and Banta-Cain intercepts. Banta-Cain's all that's keeping the Pats alive today. Stupid play by Flacco, who may yet have a meltdown left in him. His play today's been almost as crappy as Brady's.

New England really needed to make something out of that turnover but can't after late pressure from Trevor Pryce on a stunt forces Brady to rush his 3rd-down throw for Faulk and it's incomplete.

7:38 till halftime. I fall five minutes behind on TiVo while NFL.com KILLS my computer. Give Baltimore bad/normal field position, they don't get anywhere. Classless Junior Seau blows up a screen to force 3rd-and-long, and the Ravens punt after a surrender handoff to Rice.

Fine punt return by Edelman, 28 yards past the Raven 45, whirling through and bouncing off tacklers. Brady looked for Moss on 2nd-and-5 but seemed to expect Moss to run a shorter comeback route. On 3rd down, middle pressure by Pryce again forces Brady to throw at Moss' feet incomplete, but Foxworth keeps New England alive by being offside. Belichick ingeniously follows that with two lame-ass runs, Ray Lewis swallowing Faulk up on the 2nd one. Hey, Moss is heard from on third down! Committing offensive pass interference running over Foxworth downfield. Hilarious. 3rd-and-18. Short pass to Faulk only gets them to the 36. I'm eagerly awaiting Tuesday Morning Quarterback's criticism of Belichick for deciding to PUNT here. You're down 17! There's no tomorrow! Ravens start at their 4 with just over 2:00 till halftime.

2:00 warning.

New England uses timeouts to try to get the ball back but McClain and McGahee get more than ten yards in three carries. Everyone seems content to run the clock out from here. No, Belichick uses another one after having let close to a minute run off the clock. HUH? McGahee briefly helps the Patriots out by idiotically going out of bounds on 2nd down but converts another 3rd-and-2 and we are going to run out the half this time.

Halftime score: Ravens 24, Patriots 7.

The Ravens have to be careful in the 2nd half to keep pounding New England on the ground and not put the game too much into Flacco's hands. New England's o-line can't cope with Baltimore's pressure and they don't have the running game to make them pay for it. They're less out of this game than I would have expected about an hour ago. But they'd better get some kind of a quick passing game going and somebody better light a fire under Randy Moss' ass. The first quick screen they run to Trevor Pryce's side will be good for a big play should they decide to do it. They better do something.

THIRD QUARTER
Slater's kick return is out close to the 40. Three-and-out for New England, though, as Brady throws beyond Edelman's reach on the out route on 3rd-and-long. Brady looks like Marc Bulger today.

If Marc was drunk. Ravens ball.

STUPID call by Cameron here as Demetrius Williams drops a bomb on 3rd-and-2. Work the clock, dummy. Fine throw by Flacco, but the call should have been a run. Keep New England's chances to a minimum.

Before that long throw, Brady's passer rating was 32; Flacco's was 2.8. Joe's thrown for 9 yards.

Patriots from their 14 after the punt. Hey, THERE's a quick throw. Edelman for 11. And now MOSS IS FINALLY HEARD FROM for 14 more. Two plays later, though, Brady tries to force a ball to Watson in coverage, Watson gets JACKED, and the ball pops up and into Landry's hands. He returns the INT to Indianapolis. Actually the Patriot 20, but you get my point. That INT's Brady's fault. Shouldn't have been thrown.

Baltimore doesn't do much with the ball after the turnover, but they do add a FG and they do run the clock down to about 6:00 left in the 3rd.

Ravens 27, Patriots 7.

Darius Butler tries to give New England a spark with a kick return out to midfield. Faulk atones for a dropped pass with an 8-yard run. BRADY TO MOSS at the Raven 40 for a first down. Sammy Morris gets them to the 25 with a catch and a run. Dwan Edwards punks Stephen Neal to sack Brady but an illegal contact penalty puts the Pats on the Raven 15 instead. 5 more to Moss as Brady is indeed finally getting the ball out quickly. Faulk draws down to the 3 for first-and-goal. Brady finds Edelman from a yard out for their 2nd TD connection of the day with about 17 minutes left to play.

Ravens 27, Patriots 14.

Zbikowski returns a short line-drive kick almost out to midfield. Both teams' special teams have been cluster, um, bombs, today. Flacco ends the 3rd quarter hitting Williams on a slant on 3rd-and-1. WTF is it with Cameron throwing on these 3rd-and-shorts?

End of third quarter: Ravens 27, Patriots 14.
FOURTH QUARTER

Congratulations to CBS on the download-themed transition back to the game.

I'd never thought a network could come up with anything more retarded than the Fox robots, but CBS has topped it.

Cameron STILL mysteriously relying on Flacco's arm down the stretch. Flacco overthrows Williams before hitting Mark Clayton at the Pats 20 for 17 yards, DOUBLING his passing yards for the day.

Congratulations to Vince Wilfork on his upcoming childbirth. Should he really be playing football while pregnant?

Tyrone McKenzie gets pressure on Flacco on 3rd down, but Joe scrambles down to the 7 and appears to extend the ball across the 6 for the first down. The refs say no, but Harbaugh challenges. As Phil Simms says, "THE PLAY'S SO BIG, YOU GOT TO CHALLENGE IT!" Well, if Baltimore settles for the figgie, they're still up three scores, not, Phil? They can certainly put the game away with a TD, though.

Harbaugh wins the challenge on the spot, as he should have; first and goal, Baltimore, from the 6. Refs probably should have got that play right on the live call, though. 11:50 left.

Three carries for McGahee and he's in, following Yanda's block for the TD. Not stupidly, the Ravens go for two to try to make the lead 21. Adalius Thomas intentionally goes offsides because the Patriots have about eight men on the field. McGahee tries to plunge in from the 1 but they say he didn't cross the plane. Odds of this mattering?

Ravens 33, Patriots 14.

Harbaugh challenges the call on the two-pointer, because this game's apparently not taking long enough to GET OVER WITH ALREADY. Though it's hard to believe McGahee didn't get the ball across the plane, the play is not overturned. Steratore's blowing his chance at a conference championship game down the stretch here.

Still Ravens 33, Patriots 14.

Continuing my legendary technological track record on playoff weekends, FUCKING WORTHLESS NFL.COM CRASHED MY GOD DAMN BROWSER WITH MOST OF THE FOURTH QUARTER LEFT TO PLAY AND I LOST A BUNCH OF WORK. Suffice it to say New England did little worth mentioning down the stretch, other than Gostkowski missing a FG to make sure Bill Simmons ran crying into his bathroom and slammed the door shut. Nobody bother him till Tuesday.

MY GOD NFL.COM SUCKS.

Final: Ravens 33, Patriots 14.

MVP: Since my fucking browser hanging for 15 minutes gives me little time to think, I'll give the lazy man's game ball to Ray Rice. The turning point of this game may have been his TD run on its first play. He topped 100 yards and scored another TD. I HAVE TO REMEMBER ALL THESE STATS MYSELF BECAUSE NFL.COM IS SUCH A PIECE OF CRAP. I would have preferred to give a defensive MVP, seeing as they held Brady to 135 yards and 3 INTs, and Moss to 4 useless catches for 29 useless yards. Or I could have given co-LVPs to Brady, Moss and Belichick, the latter for fielding a team for a playoff game that came out flatter than the roadkill they played like. But Rice is a worthy selection, if somewhat a lazy one.

Looking ahead: Quickly again, thanks to NFL.com SUCKING almost as badly as the Patriots today. And thanks to the worthless Pats, I have to project BOTH AFC games next weekend now. Despite Baltimore's terrific performance today, I think the Colts mop the floor with the Ravens next week. Flacco's going to have to make a play, but for some reason, he looked like a deer in the headlights today. Hell, he looked like Bambi in the headlights of an oncoming train. I like Indy a lot. I respect the Jets' performance Saturday night, too, but I really don't like their chances in San Diego. That Charger team is just too hot. The Charger D is very susceptible to the Jets' power running game, and I think San Diego's a little disappointed not to be playing New England, so there's a looking-past-the-opponent factor here, too. The key question will be how Philip Rivers adjusts to Darrelle Revis taking Vincent Jackson away. Well, there's Antonio Gates, and I don't think Jackson really stood out for the Chargers down the stretch anyway. So I like the home teams in the AFC next weekend.

New England's got to get tougher in the offseason. Bigger, more physical. They got whipped today the way they've always said they beat the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. They have amassed a lot of high draft picks the next two drafts and should have little problem attracting top free-agent talent. They need a workhorse RB, better WR depth and some maulers on both lines. It'll be an interesting offseason in chowder land. They have more pieces to add and a thinner base than you'd think.

Say it ain't so... what could be the last game of Kurt Warner's career is up in a few minutes.