The Rams are 9-point underdogs to the Cincinnati Bengals. That seems generous after watching this team play the worst game of the season last week in Baltimore. I wish the Rams had more than "any given Sunday" going for them here, but I don't know what it is. The d-line is banged up. The o-line is banged up and badly outmatched. Todd Gurley is all the offense has since the OC seems to have forgotten he has Tavon Austin. They can't defend quick screens any more and Andy Dalton will be happy to throw those all day. Hell, even the stupid kicker is hurt; they cut Justice Cunningham before the trip to Cinci so they could bring an emergency kicker.
Injury updates/inactives: We already know Nick Foles will return at QB after a 1-week absence. Case Keenum was good to finish the game with a concussion last week but still can't play because of it a week later. Brilliant job, Rams.
Update: Greg Zuerlein is in fact OUT for today's game. His replacement is Zach Hocker, who missed 4 FGs in 6 weeks before getting cut by the Saints in October. Hoo boy.
More unpleasant surprises: Trumaine Johnson is out, and I brilliantly benched Marvin Jones this week in fantasy. Robert Quinn is also out. So far, Rob Havenstein is at least active, so that could help, assuming he can play.
The prediction: The Rams are mainly helped by Andy Dalton being on my fantasy team. They'll attack the Bengals like the Texans did a couple of weeks ago and keep this game surprisingly close. Cinci hasn't looked good at putting teams away when I've watched them. Bengals 24, Rams 16
Dirty hit alert, anti-Jeff Fisher crusader Thom Brennaman and Charles Davis cover the game today for Fox per 506 Sports. Should take about 5 seconds for Brennaman to mention the Lamarcus Joyner hit on Teddy Bridgewater. Great, now I know what's going to happen to Dalton, who runs pretty often for a QB, today.
Football Zebras says the ref for today's game will be Craig Wrolstead. He called the Rams' home loss to the 49ers last year, which turned on a poor OPI call against Jared Cook.
FIRST QUARTER
The Rams win the coin toss and surprisingly elect to receive. Nick Foles leads them out from the 20. Garrett Reynolds at RT, Cody Wichmann at RG, Demetrius Rhaney at LG. Gurley up the middle for two with absolutely NO ONE blocking Carlos Dunlap. Um... Bubble screen to Tavon Austin, who puts on a hesitation move that should never work and gets 7 out of it. On 3rd-and-1, not only does NO ONE BLOCK DUNLAP AGAIN, that same player, NO ONE, blocks safety George Iloka, who blows up a 90-flip to Gurley for a 3-yard LOSS. Reynolds does not appear to know what he's doing down there yet, I'm sure Iloka was supposed to be his block. ANOTHER AWESOME START FOR THE RAM OFFENSE. AND OH HORRORS WE'RE KICKING OUTSIDE TODAY, so naturally, Johnny Hekker's first kick STINKS. 36 yards or so. AWESOME START!
Bengals at their 37. They haven't been able to run lately, so of course Jeremy Hill bolts right up the middle for 15. No penetration at all by the DTs. Cincy led with a TE (you know, like the Rams stopped doing weeks ago), and he took James Laurinaitis out. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME GAME! Akeem Ayers trips Giovani Bernard up after a couple. Andy Dalton shovels to Tyler Eifert against a RT-side blitz - perfectly called by Hue Jackson - for 15. 4 more for Bernard; I think Ayers got in there again. Quick hitch to Jones for 3. He's knocked down a tiny bit late, which gives Brennaman all the excuse he needs to start pontificating about those dirty Rams. The Bengals use an early timeout; I have no idea why. Dalton must have seen something he didn't like. The Rams are in a pretty tight zone but still let A.J. Green drag underneath them and down to the 10 with a 14-yard gain. Mohammed Sanu was flanked right way behind the LOS and the gadget play look was a distraction.
From the 10, the Rams do my fantasy team a solid AND COMPLETELY BLOW COVERAGE, leaving A.J. Green open by FIVE YARDS for Cincy's opening TD. FOR SOME IDIOTIC REASON, THREE GUYS ALL JUMP ON A CROSSING ROUTE BY FREAKING SANU, AND THEY ALL LEAVE GREEN WIDE OPEN. This was to Jenkins' side and has nothing to do with TruJo being out, either. Complete screwjob by Jenkins and Rodney McLeod. Bengals 7, Rams 0
Six minutes into this game and I've already HAD IT with this team. Rams will start at the 20. Will they cross the 25? Here's a shock - THE ROLLOUT PASS TO THE TE FAILS. Thrown behind Jared Cook, would have gained ONE at most. Foles next throws an AWFUL pass behind Kenny Britt on a quick slant. MANNION TIME! Whoa, on 3rd-and-10, Cincy inexplicably leaves Cook open over the middle for 16. End around to Austin for 2; Lance Kendricks not blocking very hard up front, so not much room. Another 6 to Austin on a quick screen. Good call, away from a blitz, but Greg Robinson didn't block Michael Robinson at all. Why do Rams blockers go to the 2nd level so often when they don't have the 1st level taken care of? The Bengals burn their 2nd timeout on 3rd-and-1, anybody seen Mike Martz? Double-TE right, Foles rolls out again, nothing open so he keeps running and backs over A.J. Hawk for the 1st. The Rams get so few plays from their QB using his feet, this is a good omen. Gurley is pinned by a couple of Bengals behind the LOS but still surges across midfield for 4. Apparently part of the game plan today is to not block the Bengals at all. Kendricks whiffed horribly; Rhaney on the pull let a LB run right by him. Gurley made that play 7 yards better than it was executed. Gurley loses 3 up the middle; Geno Atkins humiliated Tim Barnes and made like Cesaro spinning Gurley to the ground. Foles gets the 3rd-8 pass off with a blitz coming but it's a classic 3-yard Brian Quick route. Rams got an illegal motion penalty anyway. Great play design - Cook was running a route out of the backfield before the snap. Yeah, somebody let Frank Cignetti know this isn't the CFL. Cincy declines that, so of course on the punt, PENALTY #1, false start, Mo Alexander. And PENALTY #2, false start, Christian Bryant. And with the extra room to work with, freaking Hekker's punt rolls into the end zone anyway. Everything about this team is complete garbage so far today.
Jenkins and Barron play a quick screen to Green well and hold him to 2. Looks like a turnover, but his forearm was down. Bummer. Refs almost gave the Rams the ball but reversed themselves. Hill works off RT for 3 more. 3rd-5. Dalton beats Marcus Roberson's AWFUL "coverage" of Eifert with a laser but McLeod swoops down and BUSTS up what would have been a very big play. That was on TruJo's side, and I don't know what the hell Roberson was doing, and neither does he, I'd wager. Cincy's still punting. Austin sweeps left for 10 off what looks like a legal block by Daren Bates to me. A flag flies, but it's for a late hit on Austin out of bounds. That will set the Rams up across midfield.
Atkins beats a Rhaney/Robinson double-team and buries Tre Mason at midfield for -2. Rhaney ends up on his ass. I am so sick of this team. They blocked Atkins INTO THE HOLE. Barnes had opened things up nicely on his side. Swing pass to Mason gets about 3. Davis and Goose opine that the Rams need to run outside more. Actually, they've tried that, too; no one's even getting a block on those plays, the Bengals are just running by them. Dre Kirkpatrick breaks up a 3rd-down slant for Britt, so with that golden field position, the Rams GAINED A YARD and punt again. Good coverage, but that ball was actually off both Britt's hands. Hekker angles a good kick this time, fair caught at the 12.
Eugene Sims doesn't buy play action and tips a Dalton pass incomplete. Great run-stuffing by Michael Brockers shuts down a Bernard carry. Brockers pushed his man into the lane. Cincy screens to Bernard vs. a 4-man rush, good job by Laurinaitis and Barron to hold him short. 123-kick, dumb of Cincy not to keep going downfield vs. the Rams' shaky coverage so far.
And, more Rams special teams awesomeness: PENALTY #3, Chase Reynolds, running into the kicker, FIRST DOWN. Cincy now at their 23. Honestly, I give up. I just give up. Bernard nearly spins off for a big gain but Laurinaitis holds him to 3. But clueless Barron lets blocking TE Ryan Hewitt have a free run through no other coverage for 22. The Ram secondary has been a complete disaster so far.
SECOND QUARTER
Quick hitch to Sanu for 8 to the Ram 45. Matt Longacre (!) reads the handoff to Bernard well and TFL's him on 2nd down. 3rd-3. Rollout pass to Eifert defended well by T.J. McDonald, but it looks like it got the 1st. Yep. Fairley blows up the pocket, but Dalton runs by Donald and scrambles for 5. Dalton dives head-first, and Ayers would have been completely within his rights lighting him up, but didn't. No comment from Brennaman about Ayers' restraint, just that Dalton avoided "a wicked hit." No, he didn't. Ayers took it easy on him. Reverse to Marvin Jones gets about 30, inside the 10, as all the Rams bite on it like the amateurs they are. Sims sniffed it out but got blocked. 1st-goal, Cincy, on a drive handed to them by the Rams' idiot special teams. Bernard runs into Donald and Ayers at the 6. Um, maybe cover A.J. Green down here this time? Bernard gets a good run up the middle but McLeod trips him down at the 3. That saved a TD. Martz burns the Bengals' last timeout. Now Fisher calls timeout with the Rams looking confused about which people they want on the field. Fisher's complaining to Wrolstead that he didn't get the proper opportunity to match personnel. No matter; after getting beaten for a TD last week, Daren Bates makes an excellent play, not falling for the tackle-eligible play and nearly picking off a high Dalton throw. Cincy held on the play, but Fisher still lets them have the chippie FG. Bengals 10-0 Bates really should have picked that ball off. Good effort, though.
Rams at their 20. Flare route to Cook for 7. Nice quick throw by Foles. And hey, here's a wrinkle. The Rams finally admit that Todd Gurley is their best QB and split Foles wide left. Gurley hands off to Austin, who's around an overpursuing DE and gone upfield like a flash. He gets a solid block by Cook (!) at the line and about 25 yards worth of solid interference by Britt to get all the way inside the Bengal 15. 60-yard run! Gurley drives for 8 down to the 5 inside Reynolds' block. Austin caps it off with an easy jet sweep TD, going right behind more solid blocking by Cook (!!) for the score. Bengals 10, Rams 7 Look out NFL if Jared Cook is going to block people.
Hocker jacks the kickoff out the back of the end zone. Bomb for Green is out of bounds and Jenkins had him blanketed anyway. Play-action hitch to Green beats Jenkins for 10, though. Hill runs right into Hayes and others for no gain. Dalton gets forever to throw, dumps off to Hill, who barrels for 14. FOUR Rams then whiff on him behind the LOS as he gains 3. ANOTHER 12 for Hill right up the gut as Laurinaitis gets embarrassed by the blocking TE again. Diving tackle by Barron holds Hill to 3; that could have been big. Quick hitch to Green for 7 for another 1st down at the Ram 31. Jenkins is matching up on Green on either side, btw. Quick screen to Jones for 9 after Roberson misses. Dalton's getting the ball out quickly and the Rams aren't getting to him when he does wait to throw.
The Rams do my fantasy team another solid when Bates and McDonald give Eifert A FREE RUN down the right seam for a 21-yard TD. WHAT IS WITH ALL THE COVERAGE SCREWUPS TODAY??!?!? Gee, you think you might want to AT LEAST COVER a guy who already has 11 TDs this year down here? No, make it 12 now. Bengals 17, Rams 7 Classic Rams - as soon as the offense gets them back in a game, the defense disappears. So sick of this team.
An actual returnable kickoff? And Benny Cunningham fights out to the 28 with it. Fake handoff to Austin just slows down the slow bubble screen to slow Britt, and Leon Hall blows it up for a loss. STUPID CALL. Wildcat keeper for Gurley for 3. 3rd-8 at the 2:00 warning. Foles gets five seconds to throw but Dunlap runs over Reynolds for Cincy's first sack. Ooh, do NOT count that - Kirkpatrick tackled Austin downfield. 1st-10 at the 35. Atkins beats Wichmann and Reynolds and flushes Foles, but he hits Bradley Marquez at the sideline for 7. Reynolds beaten yet again, but Foles gets an 18-yarder off to Britt on a comeback route to the CIN40. Way to hang in there, Nick! Cincy blitzes and Foles hits Quick for 3 on a quick slant. Long one up top for Quick on 2nd down incomplete, no chance. Is this really the first Wes Welker sighting? Cincy blitzes again, which is stupid on 3rd-7, and Foles quickly hits Britt on a slant for 15 down to the 22. FRANK CIGNETTI HAS DISCOVERED THE SLANT ROUTE!!!!
$%^$^%$&^%! Foles throws for Cook down at the 5, George Iloka breaks it up and Reggie Nelson grabs the deflection for a Bengals INT. They kneel it out to end a half the Rams should at least have ended with a score.
HALFTIME ADJUSTMENTS
Real quick. Gregg Williams needs to blitz more. He's been very bland in the first half and unsurprisingly hasn't gotten a lot of heat on Dalton. How about some damn stunts? Houston slaughtered Cincy with those a couple of weeks ago. Stick with man coverage so the stupid DBs know what they're doing and I think they'll hold up to more blitzing.
The Ram offense needs more movement. I like the quick throwing, and it's been working. With this offensive line, Cignetti can't stop that. But he can get Gurley going behind A MOVE BLOCKER - Kendricks ain't blocking a damn thing inline - and keep getting it to Austin on the move. The Rams aren't as far out of this game as they could be, and I'm stupid enough to think they could be a couple of tweaks from really making it a game.
THIRD QUARTER
Bengals start the half at their 20. Donald and Brockers stop Hill at the line and he still pushes for 3. He jumps for 5 more as Chris Long knifed way inside and gave up the edge. Brockers gets driven 3 yards and pancaked as Bernard goes up the middle for a 1st. Yep, we're off to an awesome start out of halftime. Hill for 8 more on a counter out of shotgun; Donald badly overran it. This is what the Rams SHOULD have been doing with the ball in the 2nd half last week. Hill steps across the 40 with another 1st; Laurinaitis overshot that one past the hole. Hayes is the only man who can even get off the LOS on 2nd down, but he pressures Dalton into an IDIOTIC throw that Jenkins picks off at the Rams 23. That was far from pretty defense but it'll work. Zone coverage FINALLY worked that time and the Rams fooled the Bengal QB.
I like the pitch off the fake jet sweep but the Bengals jump it and stuff Gurley for 1. They're too fast for these wide plays to work. The play-action isn't credible enough to make them bite. They also blow up a quick screen to Austin on 2nd down but he weaves all over the place and turns upfield for 7. Three guys had a shot at him for a loss, and he outran every Bengal but a couple. Cory Harkey catches a play-action flare for the first down, just barely. The Rams had a deep ball planned on 1st down, but Atkins split Barnes and Wichmann instead and made a beeline to Foles for the sack. That's actually Cincy's first, because the Rams have been getting the ball out quick, so this bad play's on Cignetti. What did I say at halftime? Dumpoff to Cook at the 35 leaves 3rd-9. Brian Quick shockingly lets a back-shoulder throw into his body and drops it at the sideline to deny the Rams a first down. The next Terrell Owens. About a 50-yard punt by Hekker. I am so sick of this team.
The brilliant Ram defense ONCE AGAIN TURNS A SHORT PASS INTO A BIG GAIN, 52 YARDS for Bernard this time. Simple freaking screen pass, the whole d-line overplays it, Barron and Joyner get blocked, BLOCK IN THE BACK COMMITTED ON MCDONALD IS NOT CALLED, off he goes. Roberson got over and actually forced a fumble, but of course, a Bengal, Eifert, was there to fall on it at the 20.
So. Sick. Of. This. Team.
Fantasy alert - Eifert got hurt recovering the fumble. Who needs him, says Dalton, especially with the Rams giving Green YET ANOTHER FREE RUN IN THE END ZONE. Simple post route out of the left slot, McLeod doesn't close, Laurinaitis doesn't drop, hello, TD. 24-7 Bengals
Also, 24-7 I am sick of this football team. Somebody explain to me for a second why Jeff Fisher should return as the head coach of these sad sacks next week, let alone next season.
Fox didn't even care enough to show us the ensuing kickoff, which the Rams start at their 11 because of PENALTY #4, ALL ON SPECIAL TEAMS today. A jet sweep to Austin promptly loses 5 as the Rams get no one blocked. Harkey was supposed to block Dunlap and couldn't. They're all over another quick screen to Austin and it gains nothing. Robinson couldn't get out there in time, not that the play is his fault. Cincy knows Austin is all the Rams have at this point and they're keying on him.
And, stick a fork in this worthless football team once and for all. Dunlap beats Reynolds AGAIN, flushes Foles left, he tries a goofy cross-body throw to the right side thinking Marquez is coming back to the ball, but you know who is instead? Leon Hall. Pick-six, ball game, season game, blow up this garbage scow and start building for next year. 31-7 Bengals
I don't mean to discredit this week's opponent. The Bengals are a heck of a good team. I even kind of like them, probably because of Dalton carrying my fantasy team. But the Rams are just as equally a pile of garbage, and it's all coming home to roost today.
This recap is now in screw-this mode.
Gurley turns a loss into 3 after Reynolds got blown up in the backfield. Quick hitch to Britt for 5. Play-action pass to Gurley never had a chance; the immortal Wallace Gilberry got in Foles' face immediately and Ray Maualuga was plastered to Gurley at the LOS anyway.
I. HATE. THIS. TEAM.
Hekker's punt is barely even 40 yards. Has ANY Ram shown up today besides the Hocker kid? Bengals at their 28. The Rams do get a 3-and-out. Cincy's already just chewing clock, and Barron stops Bernard short on what was pretty much an option pitch on 3rd-and-2.
6-yard punt return by Austin to the STL16. YET ANOTHER FREAKING SPECIAL TEAMS PENALTY, #5, holding, shoves the Rams back to the 5. Shocking, ANOTHER DROP by Quick, the next Buck Owens. Nice lead block by Barnes on a screen gets Mason out to the 11. Back-shoulder throw to Britt at the 27 for a 1st. Swing to Mason, who jukes a tackler and shoots out across the 40. Have they put Gurley in the garage for the week? Bubble screen blown up by Domata Peko, completely beating Tim Barnes. Ha, Vontaze Burfict got a penalty for a late hit. THE RAMS ARE SUSTAINING A DRIVE! They're across midfield to end the 3rd.
FOURTH QUARTER
Benny Cunningham bangs out 4 off a Wichmann block, and I'm pretty sure we're close to preseason mode here. Foles follows that with what wouldn't bother me as his LAST throw as a Ram, an awful back-footed lob that future Hall-of-Famer Iloka fair-catches for an INT. Britt was screamingly open down the sideline for a decent throw, too, but Foles mistakenly thought he could hang one up there. Then again, that's what all his deep throws do. Robinson was beaten and Foles had to throw, but it was still a crap throw.
I would guess half the teams in the NFL have TWO better QBs on their rosters than anybody who'll start for the Rams this season.
The Bengals don't try anything exciting and don't go anywhere. They stop themselves with a drop and a trip as much as the Rams stop them. Fair catch Austin at the 34.
Don't know why we're exposing Gurley to injury, but he escapes with a bubble screen for 12. SO OF COURSE HE'S SLOW GETTING UP AND GRIMACING AFTER GETTING HELP GOING TO THE SIDELINE. Nothing dirty about Burfict's tackle, but Gurley could have gotten his right knee or right ankle tweaked on the way down. (Left knee had the torn ACL).
Fisher ought to be fired on the spot for this kind of stupidity. This is the future of the franchise! Why the hell are you risking him in a 31-7 ballgame? No, I've got it: SEND IN KEENUM! Damned fool.
Still in the game as well, Foles hits Cook down the seam for 20 off play-action. Gurley returns, which is both good and bad. He turns what should have been a loss into 3 after Robinson whiffs on the immortal Chris Carter, who does not do anything besides catch TDs, but has been a handful for the future Auburn draft bust all half. Another quick screen to Austin is good for nothing, with Marquez running the identical route right next to him and pulling the defense in. Why is THAT supposed to work? 3rd-and-I-don't-care, a first down sideline pass to Austin is called back because of freaking HOLDING ON FREAKING ROBINSON FREAKING AGAIN. Nice tackle on the immortal Gilberry, clown. Maybe the Rams should convert Robinson to DT next year. He's useless at OT. Jason Smith 2.0, for the same reason. Let's draft the "athlete" instead of a guy who already knows how to block in an adult pro offense. Austin gets left alone for once on a quick screen for 11. The Rams go for it on 4th-and-6, Foles throws the slant route that is perfect to beat the blitz that's coming, AND IT'S OFF BOTH OF BRITT'S HANDS. There's nothing wrong with Nick's throw there. Britt didn't get there and didn't catch a ball he should have.
I AM SO SICK OF THIS WORTHLESS TEAM.
Hill rips off 11 out to the CIN45; Hayes got mauled by Andrew Whitworth, Gregg Williams had a stupid shift on that Hill ran through, Ayers and Laurinaitis both got canceled out in the hole. Jones beats Roberson for a catch to remind me I had stupidly started James Jones Thursday in fantasy instead. Hill runs through a Donald whiff for 5. Ooh, Hill limps off, and honestly, what's HE doing in this game at this point? Both teams should be clearing their benches by now. Dalton misses Jones on 3rd-and-3, and they're going for it on 4th-and-3 at the Ram 36. They have to use a TO to prevent a delay of game. 3-man rush does well, and Dalton fires a quick hitch to... Rex Burkhead?... that Barron holds to no gain. Barron might be one of the very few Rams who doesn't deserve an F grade this week.
Benny's another, bouncing a run outside for 8 as Brennaman feels free to get out the knives for Fisher, pointing out his record of 6 winning seasons in 21 years and hasn't won a playoff game since 2003. Fox also runs a graphic saying the Rams have has 17 different starting QBs since 2003. I'll pause the TiVo and try to name them while Charles Davis throws out the long-held STL conspiracy theory that Fisher was only ever picked to coach here because he'd coached during the Titans' move.
1. Kurt Warner (2003 was his last season here, right?)
2. Marc Bulger
3. Sam Bradford
4. Nick Foles
5. Case Keenum
6. Austin Davis
7. Kellen Clemens
8. Jamie Martin (Fox gave us this one; he's the only Rams QB since 2003 with a winning record, 4-1)
9. Brock Berlin
10. Shaun Hill
11. KEITH NULL
12. Ryan Fitzpatrick
13. Trent Green (impressive some of the guys I'm forgetting!)
Stupidly forgot:
14. A.J. Feeley
15. Kyle Boller
16. Gus Frerotte
17. and the immortal Chris Chandler.
Misses:
Scott Covington - started final game of 2002
Bruce Gradkowski - only played here in training camp in 2008
Those are some pretty forgettable QBs, true, but that's as bad a trivia performance by me as the Rams' has been on the field today.
Kendricks breaks a tackle on the wing for a 1st down. Foles hits Welker (first catch) at the CIN40 with a man in his face. Mason gets JACKED by Maualuga after scrambling to keep a swing pass from losing 5. Mason jukes Maualuga the next play to get the Rams a 1st down at the 30. Britt catches a slant in traffic for 13. Britt's blanketed by rookie Josh Shaw in the end zone the next play; Shaw just misses an INT of a ball Britt doesn't even know is coming. Foles tries a screen, but Dunlap, rushing from inside, beats the hell out of Wichmann to blow it up. Robinson gets beaten inside BY THE IMMORTAL GILBERRY to force another bad Foles throw with no chance. DELAY OF GAME ON 4th AND 10. I saw Marquez running onto the field late. Well, at least it's not a special teams penalty! 4th-15, Foles is hit as he throws and it's incomplete. Nothing got open downfield; they sort of washed the blitz behind Foles, but it caught up to him from behind by the time he threw.
Katherine Webb's husband in the game for Cincy with about 2:30 left. Sean Mannion gets in with 1:40 left after the Rams foolishly risk the concussion-prone Welker on a punt return. Mannion completes a dumpoff to Mason, a comeback to Kendricks, and a pointless flare to Kendricks AS JEFF FISHER USES A TIMEOUT. Then Mannion can't even get a sideline pass to Marquez on a bounce. Short completions to Marquez and Welker should send us home, but JACKASS FISHER CALLS ANOTHER TIMEOUT. Bengals and Rams fans alike join together in booing his ass.
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
-$-
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